I am 44 years old and I am tired! I know I shouldn’t be but I am. After fighting pain following three brain surgeries I am tired of doctor visits to neurologists and neurosurgeons. I am tired of being told that “this pill” will finally do the trick only to find out that it doesn’t. I am tired of getting up every morning and wondering if I will even be able to get out of bed or if this is the last morning I will even wake up. I am tired of falling down stairs after having seizures. I am tired of canceling events in my life because the pain is too much or that it just happens to be the day that my legs won’t work. I am tired of going out in public and being embarrassed because my body refuses to listen to me and, instead, decides to jerk uncontrollably. I am tired of not being able to drive a car or see the colors of a sunset. I am tired….but I am not finished!
I am not finished fighting for a normal life. I am not finished chasing after dreams that God has placed in my heart. I am not finished believing that, even though I might not understand it fully, God has a plan for my life and it is a great one! I am not finished with God nor do I believe that He is finished with me. I am not finished believing that although my life is harder than some it is much easier than most. I am tired but I am not finished.
I am not finished believing that even though my health has taken things from me I have been given even more. I know what it means to be cared for by an incredibly loving and understanding wife. I have seen patience overflow from my children and I have been filled with love from my family and friends. They refuse to give up on me and so I refuse to give up on myself. I often think how easy it would be to give up and quit but then I realize that I am only tired, I am not finished. Though persistent pain and symptomatic side effects eat away at my day they cannot have the day! This day, today, has been given to me by God to do what God intends. I am not finished with today!
I grow tired with those who waste today. Those people who have made it their mission in life to dictate their own terms and refuse to submit to God’s terms. Our world grooms people to seek to “lord over” others instead of loving others, to seek their own way and not God’s way. I am finished believing that I know better than God.
Yes, I am tired but God gives me strength. At times I despair but God gives me hope. I hurt but God heals! And so I make my stand. The events of the world may seek to rob me of my life but…they cannot have it! And the reason I will not hand over my life to my circumstances is because it is not my life to give. Christ has bought me with a price and my life is His. And as long as I have breath I will endure for “greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world”. I am tired today but today is not tomorrow! I am tired…but I am not finished.