I am 44
years old and I am tired! I know I shouldn’t be but I am. After fighting pain following three brain
surgeries I am tired of doctor visits to neurologists and neurosurgeons. I am tired of being told that “this pill”
will finally do the trick only to find out that it doesn’t. I am tired of getting up every morning and
wondering if I will even be able to get out of bed or if this is the last
morning I will even wake up. I am tired
of falling down stairs after having seizures.
I am tired of canceling events in my life because the pain is too much
or that it just happens to be the day that my legs won’t work. I am tired of going out in public and being embarrassed
because my body refuses to listen to me and, instead, decides to jerk
uncontrollably. I am tired of not being
able to drive a car or see the colors of a sunset. I am tired….but I am not
finished!
I am
not finished fighting for a normal life.
I am not finished chasing after dreams that God has placed in my
heart. I am not finished believing that,
even though I might not understand it fully, God has a plan for my life and it is
a great one! I am not finished with God
nor do I believe that He is finished with me.
I am not finished believing that although my life is harder than some it
is much easier than most. I am tired but
I am not finished.
I am
not finished believing that even though my health has taken things from me I
have been given even more. I know what
it means to be cared for by an incredibly loving and understanding wife. I have seen patience overflow from my
children and I have been filled with love from my family and friends. They refuse to give up on me and so I refuse
to give up on myself. I often think how
easy it would be to give up and quit but then I realize that I am only tired, I
am not finished. Though persistent pain
and symptomatic side effects eat away at my day they cannot have the day! This day, today, has been given to me by God
to do what God intends. I am not
finished with today!
I grow
tired with those who waste today. Those
people who have made it their mission in life to dictate their own terms and
refuse to submit to God’s terms. Our
world grooms people to seek to “lord over” others instead of loving others, to
seek their own way and not God’s way. I
am finished believing that I know better than God.
Yes, I
am tired but God gives me strength. At
times I despair but God gives me hope. I
hurt but God heals! And so I make my
stand. The events of the world may seek
to rob me of my life but…they cannot have it!
And the reason I will not hand over my life to my circumstances is
because it is not my life to give.
Christ has bought me with a price and my life is His. And as long as I have breath I will endure
for “greater is He that is in me than he
that is in the world”. I am tired
today but today is not tomorrow! I am
tired…but I am not finished.
Blessings,
Derek
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